5 Things I Think I Sorta-Kinda Get About Your Depression

#AKF, Always Keep Fighting, anxiety, depression, fear, human, humanity, Self-preservation, struggle, suffering, Suicide Awareness, suicide prevention, to write love on her arms, twloha, Uncategorized, We'll See You Tomorrow

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You’re happy until you realize you’re utterly alone.

And it really doesn’t matter if you’re married or in a long-term relationship (yes, your dog does count) or single or surrounded by classmates or coworkers or friends or family or actually, genuinely, 100% alone at the moment the happiness fades. The happiness, no matter the degree of severity, drops the mic and leaves you sitting in the feedback of loneliness. That feedback can exist in any space, no matter how full or empty.

You’re pretty sure everyone is just pretending to like you.

They probably do like you. That’s annoying to hear, isn’t it? If you’re hearing that people do like you when you’re generally sure everyone is pretending to like you, you’re likely thinking about punching a fluffy penguin in the throat right about now. Poor penguin. It won’t change the fact that every time you look those people who “like” you in the eye, you feel like there is something fraudulent about it. Why would they like you, anyway?

You’re so pissed you’re at this social event you wanted to go to.

Whoever the heck invited you out to this stupid social gathering needs to suck a duck. Oh, that was you. Well, whoever the heck forced you to actually attend can take a flying leap in some 90s moon shoes. Oh. Also you. Turns out, staving off the stifling suffocation of sad is a difficult near-impossible task. So you order a shot of social interaction on the rocks. Then you feel like you’ve been thrown onto…some rocks.

You never know when you’re going to want to die.

And you don’t even have to ever actually try to die to get visited by your close friend, Ivana Dye, on the regular. Even though you’re horrified by the terrible pun that just went down, you dig. You dig because you feel like you want to die so often that when the emotion churns up, you’re literally talking to yourself going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanna die. Got it. Blah, blah, blah.” Oh, and despite popular belief, you fully recognize all the individual reasons you should not want to die: [insert list of all the positive aspects of your life that should make you want to stay alive here]. Check.

You’re sick of needing to talk to someone when you can’t think of anything to say.

You’ve typed out a thousand text messages that you’ve never sent. You’ve said, “Can I ask you something,” just to pretend to remember that you already know the answer. You’ve said, “I want to tell you something,” just to brush it off with a “never mind,” claiming it wasn’t important. You need to explain and unload the heaviness, but words fail. You can’t think of anything to say…that is right, that makes sense, that feels genuine. You’re not the Oxford freaking Dictionary, and even if you were, you still wouldn’t be able to think of the words to say.

If you’re struggling, please reach out. Even though that’s cliché and frustrating to no end to hear, please reach out anyway. You can reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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