It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve sat down and written anything other than my humor piece for Neutrons Protons. I’ve been thinking about the problem, and I think the problem is that I’ve been reading a lot of the type of stuff I want to say. I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings. I’ve seen a lot of honesty, felt a lot of love from strangers, and still managed to feel alone…despite all of this.
Every day, I feel this pressure within myself to be a little more honest than I’ve been, but every day, I pack that feeling down for a number of reasons. I write humor, for goodness sakes. I’m a graduate student in the English department at my university, and blog-esque honesty isn’t very academic. My friends and family will think I’m looking for attention. People won’t understand. People won’t care.
As times presses on, it seems it should be easier to be more open. We’re living in some of the most understanding times in years. People are openly encouraging perfect strangers on the internet. There is a lot of love going around—which is awesome.
But people are still so cruel, sometimes.
My anxiety about speaking openly has now expanded into something two-fold. First, to be honest is to be vulnerable. Second, to be honest puts myself in the line of fire—people who think I’m just another emotional internet blogger jumping on some newly popular bandwagon. So it becomes near-impossible to admit:
I suffer from depression and anxiety.
Well, that only hurt a little bit. It’s not a state secret. I’m pretty open with friends and family about this issue, especially in the last year or so. I’ll even share a little with acquaintances, if I feel a strong enough connection to them. In fact, I’ve mentioned it in passing, as an unimportant aside, in this very blog. As time has worn on, though, I feel this supreme tug at my heart to be more open and honest about it. To do something about it. By do something about it, I don’t mean do something for myself. I’m managing myself the best I can. I mean to do something for others.
It’s starting to feel like the only way I can scratch this itch is to make others’ lives better.
So, just to warn you, I’m going to start doing something about that.